Greetings!

From The Vault: May 22, 2005

I need to own a piece of the Hallmark pie.

The only thing I hate worse than the whole genre of the greeting card is the pressure I feel having to purchase one. It used to be fairly simple to just stroll in the store, go to the section of card you are looking for and pluck one out. Now it’s become a total time consuming exercise in futility. Especially for someone like me who takes the whole process way too seriously. If I have to buy a card then it should be a) applicable to the occasion b) applicable to the person I am acquiring it for and c) have some element of aesthetic quality.

You might think this would be easy with the obscene amount of cards on display. Silly, silly fool. There are so many "greetings" that you almost need a card catalog to find the right one. For example: Finding a card for a co-worker (that you do not know that well or do not like that much, is turning 40 and having quite a visible crisis over it). Okay - step one is to find the "Birthdays for Him" section. They have Father’s, Brother’s, Son’s, Stepdads, Stepsons, Male Life Companions...but no co-workers. So, now you have to cross-reference over to the "Shoebox Greetings"section. For those of you that don’t know (and if you don’t you’ve been living under a rock for the past 20 years, or you are the unibomber)- this section is basically for the cards that mock any occasion. Since Mr. Co-worker is upset over his 40th birthday any card that has a huge R.I.P. on the front cover may not be apropos. So - onward and upward to the top line of greeting cards. The ones with the "extra postage" inked onto their envelopes. Since most of these begin with "through the years" or "my love...is" or "how you’ve changed my life" you are now thrown down to the bottom shelf. These generic cards are so cheap that no matter what they say inside they simply scream "you are not worthy". See the dilemma?

Now that the card industry has recognized the fact that no matter how many of these senseless waste of trees they throw on the shelf there remains the neurotic person who can’t find "just the right one" - they have come up with the "make your own card" printer. I just love the fools that spend money on these...hello? Have you heard of HP Inkjets? Or better yet, why not just borrow your child’s crayons and smear a "Happy Birthday" on a sheet of crumpled paper? Come to think of it, there actually is a Hallmark card that is supposed to look like a child’s artistic renderings...

This entry could not be complete without expressing my utter disdain for the "thank you card". I hate them, I don’t send them and I get annoyed when I receive them. First of all if I receive a gift in person, I say thank you in person. If the gift is given in my absence I usually will seek the giver and thank them, again, in person. And, on the off chance the gift is mailed to me then I either use the telephone to express my gratitude or write a letter. Here’s a novel thought: if words cannot be expressed directly - I could write them down myself instead of subcontracting Hallmark to say what I surely would have said if I had ten minutes or the desire to do so.

And then there is the triple threat Thank You card; the "extra postage" card sent with a gift certificate of some kind enclosed. Then what? Do you have to send a reciprocal thank you now that you have received a thank you gift enclosed in the thank you card? What is that? To be quite honest when I receive those horrendous things I just make a mental note to never be nice and do a kind gesture ever again for anybody. It causes me too much stress afterward. Please, if I do something nice for you it is because I wanted to - do not send me a thank you. I know you appreciate it, if I didn’t think you were the appreciative type then I wouldn’t have been nice to you in the first place. Once the kindness ends the obligations are over. End of story.

Then there are those people. There are two kinds; a) the ones that get their panties in a twist if they don’t receive a card from you and b) those that I swear, (though I have no proof), that use the greeting card as a weapon of sorts. Let’s take person number one. I know a few of these people. Personally, I think they need to get a life. They have been brought up by cold expressionless people that can only express love or gratitude while hiding behind a card. I once received a thank you card from one of these dumbasses when I returned home from their party. I think pre-mailing a thank you card is a bit frightening. If you do something nice for me and I thank you in person and then cause you utter pain because the card didn’t come in the mail - get over it. Person number two is a bit more clever I believe. I can’t be the only one out there that has received a card that is describing me in a way that I just know the sender does not feel. That leaves me with this: did the sender just pick out a pretty card and not read it or did they in fact read it and send it as a message of some sort?

My last thoughts on the whole greeting card industry is this: Where can I find a job writing the flowery prose for Hallmark? Come on, I can bullshit with the rest of them!! And...save a tree - say Thank You in person!

post script 2009: I believe my sentiments are catching on. Fewer and fewer cards are being sent out (these include Christmas cards). Unless of course, somehow in the vast wormhole that is the internet this blog entry made it's way to the 'offenders' on my list. Hmmmm... (GASP)! Oh dear, should I go to Hallmark and 'buy' some apologies? No! I'm standing firm. Tell those that are important that you love them, thank them in a personal way, wish them happiness when you can... It's a much better way to express sentiments and feels so much nicer than card stock ever could.